


I Don't Know How to Love

by Robuttons



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 02:05:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robuttons/pseuds/Robuttons
Summary: Jazz has finally gotten the confidence to confess his feelings to Prowl, but Prowl has a near mental breakdown over the thought of someone loving him unconditionally. (Happy Ending because I'm a sap)





	1. Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Oh heck, first fic posted. It's been so long since I've written anything so I'm a little rusty.   
> I've got a ton of ideas for other fanfics but let's start with a little sap and projecting all your insecurities onto your favorite characters.

beep beep! beep beep!  
Jazz groaned as he rolled over and smacked his servo around until he hit the snooze button for that annoying alarm clock. Why had he bought it again? Oh yeah, cause he always slept through his internal alarm because for some reason it was automatically set on silent. Wonder how that happened? Wheeljack suggested he buy one that only had one setting: morning heart attack, it was perfect! I mean it woke up the bots in the rooms on either side of him, but it was worth the grumpy glares. This was the only way he was able to make it to the morning meeting on time to see...........Him

Wait, that's right! Today's the day! He had been planning this day for awhile. The day he would confess his feelings to the mech of his dreams.  
'I hope he feels the same way' Jazz thought to himself as he sat up and stretched, 'I'm sure he does, I mean we've known each other since before the war started, and goodness knows I've been dropping enough hints'  
He hopped up from his recharge slab and trotted to the showers as he mentally ticked off everything that needed to be done to get ready for the big date he had planned.  
“Alright”, he muttered out loud to himself as he lathered up, “I get off shift at 1500 hours, and he gets off at 1700, that's plenty of time to set up, come back and pick him up, and still get there in time to watch the sunset”  
Jazz had been planning this for months, after someone joked that the two of them would sometimes quarrel like an old married couple. He then realized how much he loved him, and how they had never officially started dating. Sure they went out to eat, went on missions together, but it was never an official 'date'.   
That was all about to change.  
Jazz turned off the water and grabbed a towel as he checked his internal clock.   
“SCRAP I'M LATE!”  
He flung the towel in the direction of the rack and dashed out the door, apparently he had been daydreaming longer than he thought. So much for buying an alarm clock.

He ran down the hall pushing past a couple mechs and throwing back a half-hearted 'sorry!' at them until he reached door to the meeting room.  
He slipped in as quickly and quietly as he could and sat down, but not unnoticed.  
“Thank you for joining us Jazz”  
There he was, the mech of his dreams, his beautiful black and white plating contrasted by bright red chevron, that shiny chassis and ample bumper, those strong versatile digits that spent so many hours flying over data pads and keyboards, and of course the stern gaze cast in his direction before turning back to the board.  
“Sorry Prowl, I lost track of time”  
Prowl didn't say anything but returned to updating the team on the current Decepticon situation.  
Jazz barely payed attention to the whole thing, only snapping out of his daydreams when he heard his name, then giving the shortest answer allowed without it becoming apparent that he wasn't in fact, paying attention. After that he would return to his daydreams of their date later.  
“Dismissed. Oh, Jazz, I'd like to speak with you”  
Prowl motioned for Jazz to stay as the other bots left, Ironhide gave him a 'you're gonna get it now' face as he left.  
“What can I do for ya, Prowler?” 'Primus, please don't confess your love for me now, or actually do, I can't wait! No he probably isn't even thinking about that, keep it together, Jazz'  
“-ou alright, Jazz?”  
Jazz jerked his head up, “Sorry what was that?”  
“I said you haven't been paying attention lately, and I'm afraid it will affect your work in the field. Is there anything that you'd like to report? Do you need to go to medbay?”  
“Wha-? No, I'm fine! I just slept in and haven't completely woken up yet, sorry about that. I'll go get my morning ration and I'll be as healthy as a violin, as the humans say.”  
He tried to look convincing, he didn't know if it worked or not.  
“Alright, but this better not continue or I will have Ratchet give you a physical AND a psych eval”  
“Yes sir!” Jazz saluted him and turned out the doorway heading towards the mess hall.  
'Phew! Good thing he didn't send me to medbay, I'd never get my work done in time for our date'

 

Jazz practically flew through his work that day, he was so excited. He thought about all the things they would get to do on the date, and future dates. They could hold hands while walking down the halls, sit on the same side of a booth during refueling, lie by the lake at sunset in each others arms and make out until it was too dark to see.  
He was getting a little warm just thinking about all the things he wanted to do to Prowl. He checked his chronometer. Just 30 more minutes until he was off duty!

As soon as the clock struck 1500 hours Jazz dashed out of his office and sped out of the base after telling Optimus he was going on patrol. It wasn't that he wasn't allowed to leave without a reason, he just didn't want to risk Prowl finding out about this whole thing because some blabbermouth overheard him asking permission to go set up for a date. Would he get in trouble if he was caught lying to their leader? Probably, but that was low on his list of worries right now.

He arrived back at the base just in time to pick up Prowl, he should be off by now.  
Jazz walked into Prowl's office, finding him still deep in his work.  
“Hey Prowler, aren't you supposed to be off by now?”  
“Work isn't done by a certain time, it's done when it's done”  
“Yeah, but I got something I wanna show you, you can finish those tomorrow, they're not going anywhere”  
“What did you want to show me? Can't it wait”  
“It's a surprise, and no it can't”  
Prowl gave him a suspicious and slightly irritated glance before looking down again.  
“Is it important?”  
“Very. Now come on, we don't have all day!” and without waiting for a reply he grabbed Prowl's servo and led him out. Prowl didn't object but he was still skeptical about what this whole thing was.  
They got outside the base and Jazz transformed into his vehicle mode,   
“Come on, it's not far, I promise”  
Prowl hesitated but eventually transformed as well and followed Jazz to whatever this urgent surprise was.

Jazz led him through the hills and forest until they finally reached a beautiful lake surrounded by trees.  
Jazz transformed and gestured with a sweep of his arms towards one particular willow tree.  
This tree was much larger and older than most willows he had seen, it was large enough that both bots could fit comfortably inside it's veil of leaves.   
Prowl was led inside the umbrella of branches and leaves where he saw something he wasn't expecting.  
There was a blanket on the ground, and a dish of his favorite candies. In the nooks of the branches were small lights that gave the whole place a warm glow. There were even some industrial-sized mattresses for pillows against the base of the tree.  
Prowl, feeling extremely confused, turned to Jazz. “what is this?”  
Jazz took Prowl's hand in his own and took a deep inhale.  
“This is something I've been wanting to say to you for a long time. We've known each other for millions of years, I can proudly say we've been best friends for most of that time. I admire you in so many ways, I care for you, and I want us to become something more.”  
Prowl's eyes widened and his face started to flush  
“I.......I love you Prowl.....and with your permission I'd....like to start courting you.”


	2. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jazz never knew how much this would affect Prowl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting my insecurities into a fictional character? It's more likely than you think.

“I love you Prowl.”  
'Wh-what? No, this can't be happening, wha-...how? I don't.....'  
Prowl's processor was spinning and tossing and turning at the thought.   
'He.......loves me?.....wants....to date me? Why? Why would he want me? No, it must be a trick. A joke. I bet he lost a bet with someone and they're about to jump out any minute with a camera to laugh at me. There's no reason for him to want me.........but  
'He's holding my hand, this all......looks real......but it can't be. He looks sincere, could he mean it? No...NO! He's lying, why would anyone want me?”   
Prowl felt his vents get faster and more panicked, felt his face get warm, his optics darted around trying to find something to look at besides the other mech's face.  
“Prowl?”  
He looked at Jazz when he heard his name and saw the concerned expression on his face.  
“Did you hear me? I love you, and I'd like to start dating you.......will you have me?”  
Prowl's jaw trembled as he tried to think of something to say, opening and closing his mouth as phrases flew through his mind of what to say to his friend.  
“I-I don-.......wh-wha-why?”  
Why did he say that?!? He practically turned him down, but he did want to be with Jazz, but that could never happen. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve this wonderful mech, Jazz deserved someone much better than him.  
“Waddya mean 'why?' Cause I......”  
Jazz looked down and blushed slightly,  
“Cause I love you.....been for awhile. I just never got up the nerve to say it. I'm not sure when but somewhere along the line I found myself falling hard for you, and I just recently realized I never did anything about it. So....here I am”  
Prowl had never felt so panicked in his life, not even when he was captured once and tortured. His vision was getting blurry, it was getting really hard to vent, he had to get away, get away and calm down.  
He quickly slipped his servo out of Jazz's, turned pushed the branches out of his way as he transformed and drove as fast as he could.  
He didn't know where he was going, he just had to get away.

Prowl swerved erratically to avoid trees and bushes and he blindly tried to run from these feelings he was having.  
His spark jolted as he heard the familiar sound of Jazz's engines behind him. Primus! Why did he have to care so much!?  
Prowl suddenly looked ahead and saw he was approaching the edge of a cliff, and fast!  
He screeched to a halt just in time and transformed.  
He tried his best to not curl up in a fetal position, instead opting to stand hugging his arms, shoulders hunched and doorwings tightly folded against his back.  
He didn't dare move as he heard Jazz transform behind him.  
“Prowl!”

Prowl stood stiff as a board, wishing he could just disappear, wishing he could just appear back in his office like nothing happened.  
“Prowl, what happened? Talk to me.”  
Oh Primus, Jazz sounded so hurt.  
“I know I kinda sprung that on you,” Jazz said as he walked towards him, “and I'm sorry about that. I understand if you're not interested. Please, just tell me so I'm not wondering for the rest of my life.” Jazz placed a servo on Prowl's shoulder.  
“Please Prowl”  
Prowl tensed even more, if that was possible.  
Prowl mustered whatever ounce of courage he had left and said:  
“I-I.......I don't know....why......why do you want me?”  
“I told you. I love you, do I need any other reason?”  
“.....I...I don't understand.......I can't.......I want to but......I don't know how....I've never been with anyone before”  
Jazz knew that Prowl wasn't exactly a social butterfly but he thought for sure he had dated at least once in his lifetime.  
“Well uh, that's okay. There's a first time for everything”  
“No, I mean.....I don't know if I'm capable. I mean, no one's ever asked me out.”  
Jazz walked in front of Prowl and held his shoulders. He noticed how Prowl's shoulders were about as hunched in as they could get. He looked so......scared. He was staring at the ground, his whole body was shaking and he looked on the verge of tears.  
“Prowler, come here” Jazz whispered and stepped in to hug the trembling mech. “I've never seen you like this.”  
Prowl jumped a bit when Jazz hugged him, but after a few seconds of feeling the warm embrace of the mech he cared for, he finally released the tears that had been trying to come out for so long.  
Prowl had never really been the type to be physical outside of a battle. Hugging, hand holding, they were very rare and very short with select few mechs. It had been years since he had a proper hug, he couldn't even remember who was the last mech to hug him.

Suddenly all the years of being touch-starved came crashing down and he buried his head in Jazz's neck and quietly sobbed as he felt the warmth of another mech's embrace.  
Prowl shakily pried his arms apart and slipped them around Jazz's back.  
Jazz felt tears of his own come up at hearing his best friend and crush crying on his shoulder. Prowl almost never cried, he had never seen him openly cry like this.  
Jazz rubbed between Prowl's doorwings as he comforted him  
“It's alright. Just let it all out.”  
Prowl felt so embarrassed. He hated crying in front of anyone, it made him feel weak, and here he was crying into the shoulder of the mech who had just confessed his love for him. All these feelings of embarrassment, confusion, panic, and not having been hugged for so long made him cry even more. It felt like an eternity before he finally started to calm down. He didn't lift his head though, all the crying had most likely made him look like a gross mess and he didn't want to show his face like that, but he didn't exactly have a lot of options.  
“Feel better?”  
Prowl nodded, still not lifting his head.  
“Tell me what's going on Prowl”  
Prowl sniffed and fumbled in his subspace until he found the towel he kept on him in case of messes around the base and quickly brought it up to his face to try and clean himself up.  
“I'm sorry Jazz, I don't know what came over me”  
“Hey, it's alright, man. A good cry is something everyone needs now and then”  
Prowl silently cleaned off his face, hoping that somehow he could avoid the elephant in the room awhile longer.  
“Prowl, what did you mean when you said you didn't understand? I thought I made myself pretty clear, am I missing something?”  
Prowl fiddled with the towel in his servos, he had a feeling he would need it again by the time this conversation was over  
“I....I don't understand why you would want to date me. What about me could possibly make you want to date me? I'm probably the most hated mech in the base next to Ratchet on dental day”  
Jazz chuckled. “Maybe they just don't know you like I do. All they see is the Prowl who hates fun, who does nothing but work, who never shows emotion, who writes them up for violations.  
“That's not what I see. I see the Prowl who cares so much for our team, for our planet, that he has sacrificed all his free time to do work to increase our chances of beating the decepticons so we can have our home back. I see the Prowl who enforces the rules we have, even if some of them are stupid, because he wants everyone to stay safe, to obey the rules and orders so that everything goes to plan, so that everyone can come back safely. That's the Prowl I fell in love with, and if I'm being honest, I think you need to let loose just a little, love a little. Let me love you.”  
Prowl could feel the tears coming again.   
“I......I've lost my ability to love. I-”  
He paused and took a breath, collecting his thoughts  
“I learned long ago that if I'm too emotional then I can't focus on the job and get it done right. I need to focus both on and off the battlefield, so I.......I started numbing my emotions. I acted like I didn't care when things got tough, when most people panicked, I told myself it wasn't a big deal so I could focus on what needed to be done. Over the years it's gotten easier to numb against pain. Unfortunately I also numbed my ability to feel happy or excited. I rarely feel truly happy, I can't feel for other people, I've become apathetic. If it seems like I don't care when something happens, whether good or bad, it's cause I couldn't even if I wanted to.”  
Prowl stared at Jazz's chest plate as he spoke. Anywhere but his eyes, he didn't want to see the pain on his face.  
“That's what I meant when I said 'I don't know how'. I've numbed my emotions so much that I don't even know if I'm capable of keeping a relationship. How can I keep a steady partner if I'm apathetic about everything that happens? It doesn't help that since I'm so emotionless that no one has ever asked me out, I probably scare them, so I just figure that since no one has asked me that must mean no one likes me.  
“But when you said-...........you said you wanted to....be with me......I......”  
He could feel himself start to shake again. He didn't know why but suddenly he was confessing every dark depressing self hating thought he had. Why wouldn't he shut up?  
“I think my processor broke.....I couldn't fathom someone wanting me after so many years of just accepting that no one liked me as fact. I couldn't handle it. It's been so long since I felt anything that I just panicked. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to I just- I'm sorry”  
“Hey, come on now”  
Jazz lifted Prowl's chin so they were looking at each other, Jazz was getting misty-eyed as well  
“There's no need to apologize. I should have known, I should have been able to figure it out so I wouldn't spring something like this on you so suddenly. I'm the one that made you panic in the first place, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you”  
Prowl didn't know what to think. He thought Jazz would have just left him or laughed at him or told him he was being stupid or dramatic. Why was he taking the blame?  
“But you never really answered my question” Jazz looked at him shyly and asked “do you wanna go out with me?”  
Prowl looked in those beautiful blue optics he could just make out behind his trademark visor.  
“......Yes....if you can stand me”  
Jazz grinned and pulled Prowl into another hug  
Prowl hugged him back, relishing the warmth of the hug. His eyes flew open when he felt Jazz kiss his helm.  
Prowl pulled away but kept his hands around Jazz  
“I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet, I can barely handle hugs without crying apparently”  
Jazz just smiled, and cupped Prowl's cheek  
“That's alright, we can take as much time as you need. We can hold hands though, right?”  
“Of course”  
Jazz practically beamed as he slid his hands down to take Prowl's in his own.  
“Y'know, you picked a pretty nice spot. Why don't we just stay here awhile and we can watch the sunset?”  
Prowl looked over the cliff at the landscape. It was beautiful view.  
“Okay......y-yeah. I'd like that”  
Jazz sat down and pulled Prowl down with him. They sat there holding hands and leaning on each other until the sun went down.


	3. First Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prowl thought mechs were just exaggerating when they said kissing felt electric

It had been several weeks since Jazz and Prowl had agreed to start dating.  
Prowl was still very hesitant to show any physical affection in public, but behind closed doors he loved to cuddle with Jazz on the couch or on the bed while they watched vids, or even if they were both just going over reports after work hours. Prowl had a lot of catching up to do after all. He had gone so long without attention, and Jazz was more than willing to oblige.

It was one of these nights when they were both sitting on Jazz's couch listening to one of his records, holding each other and cuddling on the couch.  
Jazz's optics were drifting shut when he remembered something he had wanted to ask  
“Hey Prowler”  
Prowl hummed in response  
“Can I ask you something?”  
Prowl opened his optics and looked up at his partner  
“What is it?”  
“Well, y'know we've been going out for awhile, and I was wondering if we could take another step. Not anything crazy like interfacing” Jazz assured at Prowl's worried look “I know you're not nearly ready for something like that, and I don't mind waiting, but I was hoping that. Well we've been dating awhile and I've never even kissed you, like a real honest kiss”  
Jazz had kissed Prowl's hand many times, but Prowl never seemed comfortable with returning it. He had already told Jazz that it didn't mean he didn't love him, it was just another gesture of physical affection that he wasn't used to, and he wanted to wait until they settled in their relationship a bit before going there.  
Prowl took Jazz's servo in his own and brushed his thumb across his knuckles.  
“I'd um.....I'd like that actually, I've been thinking about it lately now that you mention it”  
Jazz smiled and slipped his servo out of Prowl's and brought it up to cup his face, gently brushing his thumb across his cheek as he tilted his face up.  
“Well, no better time like the present to start, am I right?”  
Prowl smiled and leaned his head into Jazz's servo.  
Jazz leaned down and kissed his cheeks, first one, then the other. He then pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Prowl's mouth, letting it linger as a promise of what was to come.  
Prowl brought his servo up to Jazz's chest plates, not pushing away, but resting it over his spark, feeling the warmth and pulse of it.  
Jazz looked at Prowl one last time making sure he was okay with this, Prowl leaned in ever so slightly and that was all Jazz needed to see.  
He leaned in again and gently kissed Prowl, tilting his helm a bit as he slid his servo to the back of Prowl's neck to hold him as he poured every ounce of love he had for this beautiful mech in the kiss.  
Prowl's spark felt as it it was going to jump right out of his chest, he was feeling so many things all at once it was hard to think. It wasn't a panic attack though, he felt.....happy, ecstatic, is this what love feels like?  
Prowl's closed his eyes and reached for the hand that was on his neck and brought it down to intertwine his digits with Jazz's

Jazz broke the kiss and gave him one last peck before leaning back and taking in his lover's face.  
Prowl was blushing and his breathing was a little faster than normal, but he didn't have much time to enjoy it as Prowl suddenly wrapped both his arms around Jazz's neck and kissed him again.  
Jazz chuckled at Prowl's obvious inexperience, but he wrapped his arms around Prowl's torso and returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm.

The kiss was a bit sloppy but Prowl could care less, he never felt so loved as he did right then. He never wanted to leave Jazz's warm embrace.  
Jazz hummed and tilted his head to deepen the kiss, giving Prowl's lower derma a gentle lick, asking for entry.  
Prowl returned by slightly opening his mouth and licking Jazz's lip before sliding his glossa into his mouth.  
They took turns exploring each others mouths, dancing their glossas together.  
Jazz sucked on Prowl's glossa, making him gasp in surprise and pull back.  
The two mechs gazed at each other, both equally flushed and out of breath.  
“We'd uh, we'd better stop while we can” Jazz panted  
Prowl brought his servo up to Jazz's cheek. “I'd rather not” and he leaned in to kiss him again.  
“Are-mmph! Are you sure Prowl?” Jazz got out between kisses.  
Prowl leaned back and looked in Jazz's optics, taking Jazz's servo and putting it on his hip.  
“I'm sure, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I want you to.....make love to me”  
Jazz smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. He scooped Prowl in his arms bridal style and stood from the couch, making the other mech squeak in surprise. He peppered him with kisses as he walked towards his berth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't decide if I should bump up the rating and make a 4th chapter of them making love, or if I should just keep it as is and let y'all's imagination take over. Let me know what you think!


End file.
